Just felt like writing.
Ive gotten a few notes from people asking for some proper blogging the way i used to write on my myspace wall all the time.I’ve not been doing that in awhile and its been pointed out several times.today i woke up and just had a bunch of things rolling around in my head so ill share a few of them with you all i suppose.
You see I’ve almost always had this taste for freedom. At one point when i was first wanting out on my own i thought joining the army was best for me. All i wanted to be was a good solider. I was ready to go anywhere and do anything they told me too. As long as i was in the infantry and being sent to war torn shit holes to “make a difference”. I was more than willing to die young for my country. ( i still am,if the shit really hit the fan) I wanted guidance and shelter from the daily world that i hated and did not want to become a part of it. The army felt like the best way to go. This was back before 9/11. most of the world was at peace. Canada had not been in real serious combat since korea. The military was small and not begging for eager young recruits. That and maybe the tests and even the recruiter saw somthing else inside me that i hadn’t yet noticed. A wild, burning fire for freedom,random decisions and creativity. That and as he noted my major lack of math skills.LOL. I still truly believe i would have been an excellent solider and was planing to make a career of it. However,they disagreed and told me to try again in a couple years. I was crushed! Destroyed and lost. Idealess on my future.
Its amazing how much I’ve changed and at the same time in some ways how little I’ve changed. Im still very idealess on my future. Yet the last thing i want is guidance,structure or to be controlled. As soon anyone tries to even attempt to guide me in a direction i run far and fast in the opposite direction. When i hit the road that following year i discovered nearly true freedom and felt as though the world was wide open and ready to be discovered and taken.
After 12 years of rambling and making the best of it i could hear a ticking and felt pressure from those around me to start making plans.plans for a future.In a world where the odds that we could be dead tomorrow are pretty decent,making plans like that just seemed asinine. Why doesn’t anyone think they will die soon? Why doesn’t anyone wake up in the morning and think..”shit man,theres a damn good chance im gonna be killed in a horrible car crash this morning” We hear about it everyday on the news. Yet it usually takes a freaky near miss to open someones eyes on how easy it is to be taken and how short life really is.Way to short to worry about all the pointless bullshit that most people stress them selves with. The expectations society has dumped on us. The fear of failing as a successful professional adult. Oh my god…what will people say? Ive always went with the FUCK IT!!! FUCK THEM!!! FUCK OFF!!! Motto.
Its worked really well for me i think.
THEN IT HAPPENED….
I turned 30. The world felt like it was closing in on me.my midlife crises i suppose. I felt like so many options were not available to me anymore.i was supposed to be responsible,professional,driven with a purpose and career. Most of all i was no longer young. One of the things that cemented that feeling with me was the fact that to obtain a working holiday visa for Australia one must apply before they turn 30. It was pointed out in the explanation that this visa is for young travellers.
After a woman who had been very good to me for a couple years decided after she herself turned 30 that her life needed to be aimed and controlled with more purpose.she was buckling to society’s pressures of whats normal and expected. I was given am ultimatum.
It scared me so much that I not only gave up on her , but every kind of regularity i had in my life. Everything i was accustomed too.sold it or boxed it up and put it into what i think of as a museum of my former life.including every person i know and care about. I ran as far away as i could.literally to the other side of the world!
So hear i sit.as free as a bird.no commitments,no rules,no “helpful advice”
Just porter,i do what i want when i want and how i want.
Ive watched my friends all drop off the map one by one for the last few years. Society had finally beaten them and the brainwash was complete. They make retarded decisions that are considered normal. I guess i understand.Living the way i do is often a far out, off the reservation way to go.Abandoning the regular way of living and getting rid of society’s most powerful brainwash tool (television) Were key moves.
I sympathize with them only because i see them as victims.
I see them as victims of the big sodomizing rapist named society.
Just imagine being pounded hard up the ass until you agree to do what ever you are told. I sometimes wonder how things might have went, one always looks over their shoulder,glancing back now and then at what might have been.
I see a baby in my arms,a ring on my finger,a nice suv,a small “starter home” filled with pointless junk that company asks about when they visit,perhaps a large painting of a well known tower in france to remind myself that i used to travel and we talk about how some day we will go back there and by we i mean a woman who tells me she loves me.I have a job i don’t hate but don’t love that i do because it pays decent and i have commitments and people to take care of who depend on me. I love them and cant imagine the thought of failing them. I have a few friends who live a similar life as me, and we talk about football and have a few drinks but not too many because we have to be up early in the morning and we dont stay out too late because our wives will call and ask why we aren’t at home with them and she will hear others laughing in the back round and think shes being lied too and will hang up angry and maybe even accuse us of cheating on them with god knows who. Then i will be in the “dog house” because i was rude and didn’t treat her with the respect she deserves even though she knows id done nothing wrong but she is just as bored and frustrated with her life that she needs this small piece of drama just to feel some kind of emotion outside of the daily routine. Then we will say we are sorry and will kiss. This will go on for awhile.maybe a decade.maybe less.then something will happen inside of us both that we never really saw coming but knew at some point it would. Society’s grip will loosen and we will realize how dumb this whole thing is and try to slip away and we will fight every night before we goto bed.we wont fuck anymore cause we are so sick of each other and each others bullshit. We will most likely start cheating on each other because she doesn’t call when im out to late with my friends anymore.i dont call when shes not home because im just glad its quiet and im not being bitched at. Ill wonder in the back of my mind if shes been killed in a horrible car wreck and contemplate the negatives and positives of it as she returns, slamming the door,glaring at me like she knew what i was thinking.Ill see our child try to understand whats changed and if its his fault.he will blame himself and maybe even witness a few fights that got more physical than they should have.he will find broken furniture and dishes around the same “started home” that we weren’t able to get out of when he wakes up for school. He will likely begin to act out.maybe getting into school yard fights or maybe just being a little prick in general. The school will call us and want to talk.the principal will see how miserable we are in person and try to give advice.maybe we will waste money on a shrink because society will remind us that marriage is forever. then we will get the inevitable DIVORCE.ill continue paying her most of my income while she continues to live in the starter house with the kid that immbarely allowed to visit. introducing him too “Mommys new friends” every now and then.
Well ive made my vision of what might have been pretty clear.i could go on and on and on.write a whole story about it, a fuckin novel really.it might even sell millions because 70% of the population will relate and may even sue me because i wrote their biography but i think its not really needed. Hell,chances are you know all too well what im talking about.
Thankfully at this point im not glancing back too much. Im just looking forward really. I miss a lot of things from my old life but im enjoying a lot of things with this new life.actually pretty much everything. The best way i can visualize what ive done is with the famous scene from the matrix when Neo is learning to dodge bullets. Rather than bullets flying at me i see me dodging mini vans,starter homes,kids and wedding rings. Lol.
So i march forward. A fresh white page just begging to be written on.a smooth sandy beach wanting some fresh foot prints across it. I cant say anything about the next few months.i want to get this album available for you all to at least be able to download.than im just gonna keep walking.my home is the road now.my hands are clean of society’s pressures, everything that may have held me back. My story continues and i look forward to filling that blank white page with happiness and adventure. That is of course if i avoid any horrible car wrecks. Stay tuned.
Leave a Reply